


For Every Failing Sun There's A...

by anariel_m



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, Light Angst, M/M, Making Up, Post-Break Up, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-19 03:36:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22638283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anariel_m/pseuds/anariel_m
Summary: ‘It’s not,’ says Frank after what feels like ages and Gerard frowns at that, as if he already forgot what he’d finished with. ‘It’s not too late.’They have a talk in Leeds in 2017.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Kudos: 44





	For Every Failing Sun There's A...

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo I wrote this in an attempt to see them being able to repair things, because for me personally it's kinda hard to read F's lyrics and to just look at G sometimes and not being heart-broken because of them and their story.
> 
> In my version of this story G is to blame for the breakup, so if you don't agree with it - you probably shouldn't read, sorry.
> 
> Also, I'm bad with commas, punctuation in general and many other things too, like maybe writing lmao
> 
> All the events in this fic are a product of my fantasy and only that. 
> 
> Thanks to my friend who's been sharing an mcr obsession with me during the last few months.
> 
> And thanks to everyone who spends their time reading this! The feedback is very welcome!

This day is like any other day, although it actually isn’t. Not really. Frank tries to pinpoint what exactly feels different. Apart from him being on tour in Leeds, UK, having an actual day-off and being on his way to meet Gerard at ass o’clock in the morning, of course. ‘Cause obviously – it has to feel different – but something in the air is unusual, too. It’s September, so, technically, autumn, but it looks much more like a cool summer – with morning sunlight and green trees all around. The end of it, which he has always found himself feeling slightly bittersweet about.

After the car accident in the end of last year Gerard reached out to him. Along with other guys from the band, of course, but they never stopped being a part of his life anyway, unlike, well. It wasn’t anything special - just a few phone calls with moderate concern about his health. Gerard seemed awkward on the phone and kinda sad, but Frank didn’t give it much of a thought. The calls were, let’s say, they didn’t affect him the way he feared they would, so it was sort of a win-win – they quit with the dead silence _and_ he didn’t get crushed by it.

But then all the guys came to his gig in LA in May. And Gerard did, too. And Frank saw him. S a w. The way he’d seen him before – on all the levels, all the layers, from the obvious to the ones Gee had tried to hide – without even trying. They didn’t even touch, only in the very end, with goodbyes being said and promises to see each other more often being made. Frank thought that this kind of bond, synergy between them was possible partly due to living in each other’s faces for the good part of their lives, but, oh well, apparently, that wasn’t the case. That night Gerard seemed, no, not seemed, he was broken and miserable. And guilty. If Frank wasn’t there for the last four years, if he wasn’t the part of Gerard’s life that his friend had erased so easily, if it wasn’t Frank, who got betrayed, heart-broken and had to deal with the remnants of what once had been his whole life for a couple of excruciatingly long years, if it all didn’t happen to him of all people, **then** he would think that all the things Gee had done finally started catching up to him. But Frank was there – someone more than a witness, but less than a participant, because there was only one participant (who hadn’t left him any choice). So, Frank was having a hard time believing what he saw, even if their connection had never been mistaken before.

Mikey and Ray left the club eventually, promising to wait for Gerard outside, so Frank was left with him on his own, near the exit, surrounded by semi-darkness, club noise and a fair share of awkwardness. Frank was… he definitely wasn’t unhappy with this turn of events, but was still far from excited. If Gerard was having trouble with finding the right words, Frank definitely wasn’t going to help him out.

‘Uhm… it really was a great show…’ His voice’s still small and indecisive.

‘Yeah, thanks.’

Frank smirked to himself, leaning onto the wall, ‘cause even in their best days his friend could never hold the gaze or look directly into the eyes – he sure as hell couldn’t do that now.

‘So… I’m glad you’re okay.’

‘Yeah, you’ve said that a couple of times.’

‘Oh. Well, I’m still glad.’

Frank, despite being angry, still (he thought that there would always be a part of him pissed off by Gerard, disappointed in him and destroyed by him) was fighting the urge to do… something. To find some mercy and reach out a bit. He sighed.

‘Gerard, you wanna say something?’

‘I…’

Gerard actually took a step towards Frank. A literal step. Then another one. And another, until they were mere inches apart. And he still couldn’t look up at Frank. Interesting.

‘I want to hug you. May I?’

Frank sighed once again – heavier and quieter this time. He stopped leaning onto the wall, shortening distance between them to bare minimum. Gerard, finally, looked at him with sadness and guilt, which didn’t go anywhere in the past few hours. And than Gerard opened up and hugged him. Just like that.

Frank felt awful. He felt crushed, petrified, fucked up. And absolutely beyond happy on top of all that. Gerard was everywhere: embrace was nothing but friendly, but his presence was all-encompassing, it was an absolute. It was like getting hit by a meteorite, then getting resurrected and then coming back home that you forgot even existed – the one that somehow made it through the meteorite catastrophe. Gee must’ve felt the same, because he started to tremble, barely perceptible, but easy to notice for someone alerted enough. Frank wasn’t sure if it was real, so he was scared to open his eyes or to move at all. He didn’t even realize that he hadn’t reciprocated the hug. Then Gerard slowly, very slowly let go of him and took a step back.

‘Sorry,’ yeah, Gee definitely was shaking, if his weak voice was anything to go by. Frank’s head was spinning, but he was still trying to say something. Something that would show to Gerard that it was okay. It really was.

‘It’s…,’ his voice hoarse and alien, ‘it’s fine. It was nice. Really.’

Gerard smiled unsurely. But it was still a smile.

‘Hey, you know, I was going to stay in the city for a day or two. We could catch up a little tomorrow. If you want. You, me, guys…’

‘Great! That would be great!’ Gee’s voice was still jittery, but he seemed genuinely happy. Glowing, even. Even despite him looking entirely lost.

‘Okay.’ Frank was trying, really trying not to smile, but Gerard surely could see through it.

So, they met next day, all four of them, and they were chatting and being generally nonchalant. It wasn’t exactly laid-back, but it surely wasn’t awkward as fuck anymore. And then, for a while, there were more calls and texts, and Frank being a bit wary, and Gee being careful and a bit scared. Until a week ago, when Gerard simply called and mentioned his convention in Leeds where Frank just happened to have a gig in a few days. And so there he was – walking towards the café they arranged to meet in.

Neon sign is exactly how Gerard described it – large, blue and purple, glowing provocatively – it must look really good at night. Frank’s heart skips a beat and he pauses before coming inside. He really hopes it will be okay. That, and that Gee hasn’t come yet. Frank takes a deep breath and opens the café’s door. Interior isn’t anything special, and Frank isn’t paying any attention to it anyway, being consumed by other thoughts. He looks around and sees his friend waving at him from the farthest table. It’s both comforting and disturbing to see him here, because Frank’s thought he’d need some time alone to recollect himself, but at the same time Gerard being at the café means a necessity to start talking straight away and not to dwell on self-scrutinizing for too long.

Frank comes to the table and sits on a settee next to a large window.

‘Hey!’ Gerard looks cheerful, actually, kinda happy. Frank just can’t help himself and smiles.

‘Hi. Were you waiting for long?’

‘Oh no, I’ve just came. Haven’t even ordered coffee yet.’

‘Mm, okay,’ Frank takes the menu and tries to look through it, having trouble with paying attention. He feels that Gerard’s looking at him, in a way that he probably thinks of as discreet.

‘So, how’s the tour?’ And still, when he starts talking, Frank shudders slightly.

‘Fine! Yeah, absolutely great. I’m happy with the album and with how things go. Thinking about taking a long break after, though.’ Frank allows himself to actually smile this time, probably because the answer is genuine, and he is, in fact, enjoying the tour and everything.

‘Oh yeah, you’re touring for more than a year now, must be exhausting.’ Frank scoffes at that, because, well –

‘You know first-hand it’s exhausting, come on,’ he retorts amicably, causing Gerard to smile too, ‘how’s your convention?’

‘Great! Yeah. Fantastic as ever. Fans are so supportive, it still amazes me.’ Gerard doesn’t sound entirely convincing, lowering his gaze after finishing the sentence, although it can be extra shyness. Whatever it is, Frank has missed absolutely everything about him and even that. It was too hard to admit it to himself a while ago, but now the realness of it, the certainty, the irrevocability starts getting to him. Frank really, really can’t afford to start this all over – it costs him way too much every damn time. Being crushed to the core just isn’t that much fun any longer.

They both make their orders and talk almost with ease. Frank is having a hard time recognizing Gerard, his Gerard from the past, but some things, the ordinary but endearing things, have been too powerful to disappear, apparently. He loses Gerard’s train of thought for a moment –

‘…But that’s not why I've asked you to come.’

Frank is startled for a second, ‘cause he hasn’t been paying much attention for the last minute or so, but not just because of that. His breathing slightly hitches and stomach curls instantly. It just can’t be good.

‘Oh?’ he asks, and Gerard is watching him with intent, not even averting the glance, as if he’s looking for an answer. The answer for the question that’s yet to be asked. Frank knows this gaze, as well as plenty of others, but it used to bring different things – from rejection to seduction and back. He wouldn’t risk taking a bet.

‘I wanted to explain myself. And to… to say how sorry I actually am.’ Oh. So an apologizing one. Well, that’s something new. Frank isn’t sure he has it in him right now to actually listen to something potentially that agonizing.

‘Hey, you don’t really have to. We’re here now, we’re talking, so it’s fine.’ Frank is grasping at a straw here, he doesn’t want to _listen_.

‘No, but that’s exactly it – I do have to. Please, Frank.’ Gerard is sitting in front of him, looking at him, and that’s his Gerard, despite having, like, zero similarities on the surface. And the thing is, Frank could never say ‘no’ to his Gerard. The world starts crashing onto him, ‘cause he knows perfectly clear (and he’s known it from the very start – even when he was eminently angry with his friend) that if Gerard asks for forgiveness - he will get it. Maybe not right away but still inevitably. Frank hated it five years ago, ten, fifteen, the moment when he realized that he’d stuck with his feelings for Gerard till the rest of his life, and he sure as hell hates it now. Jesus, all this effort, the heartbreak, picking himself up, bouncing back, and for what? He closes his eyes and sighs helplessly.

‘Whatever. Fine.’

Gerard sighs, too, and Frank is asking himself just how much did it cost this motherfucker to actually come here and do this talk? Was it at least relatively close to the price Frank had paid for his love to him? He’s still hesitant to open his eyes, so the following words are resonating along the walls of tight blackness inside his mind.

‘I felt like I was drowning. Not just back then, but for the most part of my life. I’ve always been looking for solid ground, for steadiness, for being anchored. Desperately. But the problem was… when I’ve been reaching its borders, barely visible edges, with you, I was getting scared. Of what everyone would say, of how it would affect the band, of how it would affect me. It happened twice. And every time I allowed it to try and destroy you. I knew how it’s gonna be for you, how much… pain,’ somehow, this word takes extra effort from him, he stutters, ‘it’s gonna cause, and I still did that. And for that… and many other things I am sorry. So, so fucking sorry. If it’s any comfort – by destroying you I’ve been wrecking myself every single time. I’ve never avoided collateral damage. Never reached whatever I wanted to…’

‘How,’ Frank feels like an exposed wire at this point – with all sensations sharpened and hurting him almost physically, he feels like the words are coming out of his mouth without permission or consideration, because all his effort is aimed at opening his eyes and getting his feelings pinned in one place, ‘just how exactly is this supposed to comfort me?’ He feels Gerard tensing even more, shrinking a little bit.

‘I don’t know.’ Frank is surprised with him saying any more words. He makes himself, literally just makes, to open the eyes and look straight at Gerard. Among fear, panic, hurt and guilt there’s also sheer determination. So, whatever Frank’s reaction is, Gerard decided to go the whole way with this. Frank’s never been the one to run away but if he had any emotional or physical fuel left in him - he would’ve left this café, left Gerard, and never-ever come back. He really likes to think that.

‘Whenever I was getting insecure, ready to blow up whatever we had between us, circumstances played their card, and I was more than willing to go along with it. I can’t really blame anyone – whatever people had said or done would’ve never worked if deep down I didn’t want it to. And illusions of having a perfect family, being a perfect husband, father, are very often very appealing, especially when you’re not really aware of yourself.’ Gerard is looking at the window, and Frank can see how he seems a bit calmer in the light. Maybe determination does it, not the light, but, weirdly, Frank also gets less anxious. Since he’s opened his eyes, he’s transfixed at Gerard. He’s not even sorry about it.

‘But these illusions… you can’t build anything real on them. And only real things can make you happy. And I’ve come a very long way realizing it, a very traumatizing way, obliterating and desolating lives of the people who I love, regretting about that, and not finding strength to reverse it. But I think… I think, I’ve finally found it.’ Gerard returns his gaze to Frank. It feels like he’s finished or about to, but there must be something else – the main point, the culmination, because Frank still senses the tension, albeit a lighter one. ‘Congratulations?’ He sounds slightly bitter, not even meaning it, but he can’t help it either – too much, it was too much and too long.

‘You have every right to be angry, even now, I understand – ’

‘Oh?’ Suddenly, Frank just couldn’t take it anymore – the exertion, the absurdity of this situation, Gerard telling him all these things he lusted and dreaded to hear for the last five years, it just isn’t fucking fair. ‘You’re damn right, yeah. Although angry is a bit of an understatement. You seriously just…’ he was doing his best not to pass out right there being almost stunned with the intensity of his own feelings. Frank looks at Gerard incredulously and shakes his head, ‘you can’t even start to imagine.’

‘Tell me, then. I can take it. All the pain, the rage, everything you have. Everything that I’ve made you feel after the breakup, all of it. I deserve every single bit of it.’ Gerard’s almost whispering but still looks directly in his eyes. Frank isn’t ready for that. There’s no way to be ready for that kind of blatant honesty after years of silence and deceit. ‘What do you want of it, exactly? Us what? Get together, be friends with or without benefits, restart a band, fuck, leave our families, run away, what?’ Frank really can’t be in line with the whispering – he can barely hold himself together so almost yells and can’t help it. But even that doesn’t scare Gerard.

‘I want us back. In any shape or form you’ll find fitting. As friends, as lovers, as bandmates, as neighbors, whatever. You and me, together, the way it used to be. I realize it’ll take time and effort and fuck knows what else, and I’m ready to fight for that. For you and for your trust. I’ve changed and I’ll prove it to you and never run away again. Not without you, at least. But… I just can’t stand being without you anymore.’

‘Is it just because of the accident? Because you got scared for me? That’s it, that was enough?’ Frank is really impressed with himself keeping control of his voice and most of the emotions at this point. And really surprised to find out that he wants to scream much less, but he’s still angry. Yes, of course he is, no doubt about that. And he isn’t going to forgive and give it up that easy – damn Gerard and his confidence, and this internal strength that he found fuck knows where.

‘It helped to realize, yes. But it’s not just that.’ Gerard gulps, ‘I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to hurt you or to destroy your life. I love you. I always did. And the worst part is that, I think, I’ve always known that, too. Whatever I did to forget or ignore it – it never worked. It took me a very long time to come around, to accept and embrace that and to stop running from myself and from you. I will be forever sorry for that, but I just hope it’s not too late.’

And that, that’s the main point. There’s not tension left, Gerard lowers the gaze, surrounded by the afternoon sunlight, frozen in time like this, and fiddles with a mug – he’s done.

And so is Frank.

‘It’s not,’ says Frank after what feels like ages and Gerard frowns at that, as if he already forgot what he’d finished with. ‘It’s not too late,’ Frank rolls his eyes; he’s slightly annoyed but mostly with himself. Gerard looks at him, hesitant to believe what he hears. ‘I’m not saying I forgive you. And I sure as hell can’t fully trust you right now. And yes, you fucking hurt me and ruined my life more than once, when I was ready to put the fucking world at your feet, and there’s no easy recovery from that. But… I’m ready to believe that you’re sorry. And…’ Frank wasn’t sure about the extent of sincerity he was ready to show, ‘I fucking missed you too.’

Frank feels relief. He’s surprised by that, actually, because when they started talking after the bus crash, he thought there was no need for any outbursts of feelings, revelations, big talks – Frank didn’t even know that he was still that angry. But he was, along with many other things. Frank’s never told anyone after the band breakup that he missed Gerard or still loved him, just how much, and what it was doing to him. The highest level of honesty he could afford was all in the songs. It wasn’t because Frank enjoyed lying, but he was, in fact, scared to dig deeper into this dark hole in his heart, the one that now was touched by the smallest beam of light. Hope.

Gerard is slightly trembling, trying not to grin, allowing himself only a weak shadow of a smile. And, damn it, Frank can’t help to smile back. Very few reasons to hold back now and even they are fading already.

Frank’s lost this fight the minute he came into this café. But it doesn’t feel like losing.

For a few moments they just look at each other and smiling, not willing to say anything or to burst this bubble, but Gerard’s phone is calling.

‘I… I have to go, my panel is in half an hour,’ he really sounds apologetic.

‘It’s okay. I’m out of time myself. And it’s not like this is our last,’ Frank is trying not to sound too hopeful – he’s not sure it works, because Gerard literally beams at him and nods.

They’re paying and walking to the exit, mirroring movements of each other, not realizing it, just like ages ago. Frank doesn’t know how it ends. No one knows. He’s not even sure they did something reasonable – after all, he was honest when telling Gerard about trust and forgiveness and how it would take time. But for now Frank feels excited, thrilled, he feels free for the first time in years. And he knows that Gerard feels the same – he’s almost bouncing instead of walking, emanating feverish energy.

Gerard freezes at the front door and turns around to face Frank.

‘Thank you,’ he whispers in awe with this new manic smile and opens up for an embrace. Frank doesn’t hesitate this time, doesn’t hold back – he falls into it, all dizzy and delighted.

They’re breaking the embrace in a minute or so, but not letting go of each other’s hands when coming out into the afternoon autumn sun together. Everything is still, the neighborhood is definitely not the busiest one, and it all seems blissful. It feels right, god, it finally feels right – they both think in harmony. They’re standing like that for a few more seconds before parting, looking at each other, not saying anything at all. And when they go their separate ways, not being able to stop smiling, they know, just know that it’s gonna be alright. Even if it takes everything they’re willing to give – they will make it right this time.

No doubt about that.


End file.
